Wisdomist Wednesday : Pray

I’m getting super personal in today’s post … and I’m rambling more than usual. Sorry … not sorry.

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This has been a strange year for me so far. VERY strange. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I’ve told you all before about the professional changes in my life , and while this has been an adjustment I can now safely and thankfully say that though I’m still getting used to the mechanics of this job – I’m actually feeling a lot more comfortable, and I may go as far as saying this is my favourite job I’ve actually ever had. It’s challenging, it’s busy, it’s exciting and taken me out of my comfort zone completely, but I feel like I’m actually doing something. I feel like I actually play a part in a bigger plan; and for that I’m thankful.

I’ve also told you about the amazing support system I have … friends who genuinely care about me … an amazing mother, a great father … a brother that isn’t too shabby and a lovely husband. That doesn’t also include my coworkers who are always willing to help, or listen when I speak. I am thankful for each any every single one of them.

I can’t deny that I have lots to be thankful for.

But the strangeness I’ve been feeling, honestly I don’t think it has to do with anyone but myself.

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Physically – I’m  exhausted. My workouts ( which I’ve cut down on) are kicking my ass … literally leaving me heaving for air and sweating like a polar bear in the desert. I get sore extremely easily, my legs and knees have begun to hurt so badly … hence the reason that I’ve cut down on the amount of exercising I’m doing. Truth be told, I hate it. I feel like my body is failing me. As much as I complain … I LOVE how I feel after I work out. I haven’t gone to the doctor about this issue … I see no point, when I let me legs rest, their fine. Mind you, after working out … I’m pretty much ready to rip them off … sorry for being so graphic.

I’m also always so tired. I normally wake up around 6:00 and start my day. I wouldn’t say it’s a physical day by any means, I have a desk job in an office environment. When I get home around 5:30 , I work out…. Make dinner… tidy up a little ( normally just dishes & packing them away) and by 8:30 or 9:00 we’re having dinner …. If I allowed myself, I could pretty much be sleeping by 9:30. 9:30?!!!! Remember the days when I dreamed about staying up past my bed time … At first, I thought maybe it was the dreary winter weather that had me so tired … but now that it’s getting nicer… I really have no idea.

Mentally, I have a million things running around in my mind. A lot of it is disappointment in myself … maybe even a bit of self-pity… I know this isn’t a good look for me. I get it. And as much as I try talking about any of it … the less I say. I actually have found myself in the last little while, having less to say over all. Fine, a little quiet time is necessary now and again … but how healthy is silence? And, I’m a fairly social person. I like talking to people, I like going out and doing things … it’s just been this sort of shift. A shift that I can’t explain.

Emotionally, I’ve seen the biggest change. I no longer laugh from my tummy … just a little giggle here and there. WHY?!? I love laughing, I love being happy. I now make a conscious effort to smile. I feel broken and so unlike my actual self. I can’t trace back to when this all began, I don’t know what triggered it. All I know is how I feel right now. And it’s a mixture of sadness and anxiety. But WHY?? Like I said, I’ve been a lot more quiet, a lot more to myself, I occasionally will start to cry out of nowhere. I can’t explain it and I think that’s what’s bothering me most.

I’ve tried all of my old tricks, or trying to refocus, I’ve started back writing, I go for walks, I try listening to music, I dedicate parts of my day to myself ….as me time, you’ve seen I’ve been baking more. Nothing is working, I just can’t shake this feeling.

So what have I done to try to deal with all of this? Prayed.

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For those of you who know me personally, you know I am not an extremely religious person, I believe everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and I certainly don’t go about suggesting my ideas on anyone else. To me, religion is extremely personal. It’s a personal relationship with ones beliefs. I just feel like a lot of this is over my head, I feel like I for once can’t control it ( shocker … this is actually devastating for a control freak such as myself). I feel like I have no choice but to leave this to a higher power. And so I pray.

Through this post, I’m not looking for pity, or support, I’m actually not even looking for answers or understanding… I’m just sharing.

Baklava cake

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Calling all Mothers – or children of mothers who are both sweet and total nut cases!! You know, the ones with open arms for a warm hug but also willing to turn the radio on loud and fist bump with you while driving, the ones who randomly call you on a Saturday morning, to find out what makes pancakes fluffly – the same ones you will call you to give you a pep talk and say “ woman, it’s Wednesday – pour yourself some wine and move on”.

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YES, those are the mama’s this decadent dessert is for aka my mother.

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Aww aint she a cutie!

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My mom is actually the weirdest dessert person, she loves dessert – but doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth. Isn’t that weird?! She isn’t a fan of anything with chocolate – nor anything too sweet. Hand her a pie, she’s happy – bumbleberry cobbler hhhheeelllooo happy place – but a chocolate fudge fra-lee-lah, yea she’ll pass. When I first created this recipe, I wanted something special, I wanted it to taste like spring, taste like complete happiness and look like I spent the entire afternoon in the kitchen without actually doing so.

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This baklava cake wins on so many levels. Not only is a sweet way to say thank you to any special person in your life it’s also heeeellllla-delicious.

 Baklava cake 

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Ingredients:

Baklava Layers

(40) 9 x 14-inch Sheets of Filo Dough

3/4 Cup Butter, melted

2 cups crushed red pistachio

1 cups Crushed Walnuts

1 ½ cups crushed pecans

1/2 Cup brown Sugar

2 Teaspoon Cinnamon

¼ tsp nutmeg

¼ tsp ground cardamom

 Honey Rosewater Syrup

1 and 1/3 Cups Granulated Sugar

1 Cup Water

1/3 Cup Honey

1 Tablespoon and 2 Teaspoons Lemon Juice

1 tbsp rosewater

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Directions:

Bring the sugar and water, to a boil in a small pot. Add the lemon and the honey and rosewater stir well, and lower the heat to a simmer. Allow the mixture to simmer for 10 minutes, stirring every 2-3 minutes. Remove from heat, allow to cool to room temperature, and then refrigerate.

In a medium-sized bowl, mix together the nuts, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and cardamom.\

Remove phyllo from packaging any lay on a flat surface, cover stack with a damp cloth ( this helps with the dough not drying out!!).

Preheat oven to 350 oc – liberally grease spray a medium sized spring-form cake pan.

Working with one sheet at a time, spread ( you can crumple, so that it fits the pan) one phylo sheet to cover the bottom of the cake pan. Lightly brush with melted butter. Repeat until you have 8 layers. Next, take 1 ½ cups of your nut mixture and spread over entire phylo layer. Repeat until you have 3 layers. Last, create one more “top layer” of 8 sheets of phylo.

Bake for 1 hour. Remove from oven and allow to cool.

Next, pour all of your honey rosewater syurp over the cake. Allow to sit one hour, so that all of the liquid is absorbed by the phylo dough.

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Slice and serve to that special woman of yours. Happy Mother’s day to all the wonder woman out there, Happy weekend to all you fine looking folks – now someone grab me a fork – we gots cake to eat!!

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