Milkshake.

Remember when I could accurately call myself a food blogger, because I actually blogged about food. Ahh – those were the days. The days I where I felt connected to your happy faces, the days where I had a simple yet extra sweet escape from real life. I could come , frolic and play in icing, roll around in sprinkles and then, when I had my dose of sweetness, I could go back out there and take over the world.

One of my all-time favourite bloggers ( * cough – the wicked awesome amazingtastic joy) , did a post not too long ago where she mentioned the need for a safe word. This word would pretty much describe when life got nuts.

Genius.

three-milkshakes

I need a safe word – – or a safety phrase. And so it shall be Milkshake. Is that a weird safety word? – here’s the logic I FREAKING LOVE Milkshakes, but too much of it always gives me both a brain freeze and a tummy ache. Kind of like when life gets bonkers …. I secretly love it … but too crazy results in me loosing my head … and well butterflies the size of titanic that may very well sink.
And trust me when I say …
MILKSHAKE
MILKSHAKE
MILK FREAKING SHAAAAKKKEE.
With a cherry on top … oh and whipped cream.

So why has my life been so crazy * Note: total vent session about to begin …. And probably lots of self-pep talking * ;

1. Work; There has been lots of changes in my office and I’m really just trying to stay afloat – I’m also secretly/not so secretly looking to change jobs. This happens all the time with me. Mama LTSL is convinced I have problems … in both a good way and a bad way. I just feel at my age and with all of the opportunities available to me – I have no reason to get comfortable in a job. Don’t be confused … all I mean is once I attain a certain level … I stick around for a while … leave my mark and then I’m ready to move on to bigger and better. Which is good right, I mean I want to be ambitious – – but HOLY MILK SHAKE WOMAN, is this is the time to shake the one stable thing in your life?!

2. Baking; it’s all been orders … I haven’t really done any leisurely baking … nor ice cream making. MILKSHAKE MILKSHAKE MILKSHAKE .. I love baking for my clients, but every now and again a girl wants one of her own peanut butter fudge cookies!! You don’t want the cookies, you want comfort – go workout and release your crazy vibes.

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3. Working out / being healthy; I try. It’s hard. Cookies are so much yummier than Fiber Simply Bars ( ps. Simply Bar people, I know you mean well – – but I’m not feeling it). I’ve been doing okay, I work out when I can … eat as best as I can, I just feel like it’s not enough. The plan of action is to join a gym– pretty soon. — Against the wishes of papa LTSL, brother LTSL, Mr. Fiancé & my darling angel. Buuutt … it’s happening. And they will probably yell at me … but I don’t think they get it – NO, I will not turn into a gym rat. I joked with Mr. Fiance, that he had two options … marry someone cute, fit and super sexy or honey boo – boos mom. He wasn’t impressed and I love honey boo boos mom. 1 word : schhhmexy.

4. Life’s general B/S – – family illness, friends in crappy situations, friends being crappy, me feeling crappy … in essence a whole lotta-crap. I want to either erase it all, make it all better or throw milkshake all over some people. Listen, stop focusing on this nonsense – – it’s all ( or at least most of it) drama drama drama. Save it. Pull yourself together, put on your power pumps and deal with life. Or hold your friends close, drink with them until your stupid and deal tomorrow …. Or, even better do all of the above; pumps.friends.drink. YEEESSS!!

5.Planning and engagement party; your family – my family – let’s make this happen. WHY AM I SUCH A CONTROL FREAK … why is your family so simple and mine SO STINKING COMPLEX … I love them – – to death, but holy moly MILKSHAKE people. It’s a get together – we’re not getting married. Come, listen, eat – – deal? I don’t care if your best friend’s sister’s uncle wants to come … I don’t know them.

FAMILY; that means I need to know who you are, where you live, your last name and how cool you are – – everyone else, let’s chat after. Also, there are still things to do for the actual day … printing a whole bunch of stuff, putting together bonbonnieres, finding a cute / appropriate outfit for Mama LTSL, and for brother LTSL , still gifts to buy and wrap – heeeelllllloooo t – two weeks. Cue freak out mode now!! … on a good note I finally insured, sized and cleaned my ring – wooo!!

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6.Planning a wedding: BRING OUT THE COW … I’m milkshaking to the moon and back … twice. Who knew planning a wedding would be such a roller coaster?!? It’s fun, great, exciting, nerve-racking, sad and scary. All at the same time. My world is shaking – but I’m going to be with the man of my dreams.

Am I too young to be doing this? – Am I too old to have an elaborate wedding? – do I do what we want? – or do we try to please everyone else and then do what we want later down the line if we renew our vows? – When do I order my dress? – Antipasto, and appetizers or just one? Cake, or cupcakes? Mid night buffet; sweet? Savory? Some of each? None at all. Ma ma mia!!

I’ve looked forward to our wedding day ever since I could remember. I knew quite early on in our relationship that this was it for me, either this kid was going to marry me… or if we ever broke up, I’d become a nun ( for those that know me personally … we know I won’t but still) Growing up, I would see people do certain things for their special day, I would hear a particular song, see a stunning dress or two and knew one day … my day would be perfect. I would gracefully glide down the aisle, see the man of my dreams – there would be flowers everywhere – we would be surrounded by the people we love most. It would be a breeze, everyone would get along, we would agree on every detail. The meal would be delicious, and just the right amount of food. My cake would be equally beautiful and delicious. It would be easy-peasy.

WAKE UP WOMAN! There are three major things you wanted to do in your life – – graduate university, buy a place of your own and get married. Let’s do a bit of a fact check. Graduating university … was that easy? No! Did you run into bumps, causing you to kick, scream and fight to get towards that end goal? YES! Buying your condo, was that a walk in the park – – negative, if anything it was one of the hardest things you went through. SO WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS DELICIOUS DID YOU THINK YOUR WEDDING WOULD BE ANY DIFFERENT?! Get with it lady!!

Sometimes I just want to sit and cry about this wedding, not because I’m getting married but just the overwhelming emotions I’ve attached to every aspect. I can’t even begin to explain how thankful I am that Mr. Fiancé is not just patient and understanding … but he hasn’t thrown me off a cliff – – yet. I attach emotion to anything I care about and this is no different at all. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t dream so big for this particular day … I wish I could just be satisfied with a simple ceremony… a small dinner… and then we live happily ever after. Instead, I want a beautiful ceremony with flowers, people laughing –pretty chairs – a great speeches – amazing meal- stunning décor – the perfect date – happy bridal party – a great party – a beautiful toast – a memorable first dance – did I mention a freaking great party, all while keeping everyone satisfied and content … and then we live happily ever after– oh, did I mention I also don’t want to lose my mind?!

I know everything will be fine, and the day will be perfect – it’s just getting there. And reminding myself to relax. Relax and enjoy every single moment of it … Mr. Fiance will only be my fiancé for a year – – after that he will be Mr. LTSL; my husband – I his wife :).

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7. Equally spending time with family/friends & Mr. Fiancé; This is important. Important to me, VERY important to me. But I need all three parts of my life to understand that even though I love them to death, and would run myself ragged trying to please them and see them … I can only be at one place at a time. And so shuffling between every facet has been fan-freaking-milkshaky. On a good note, when I do get to spend quality time with each of them it’s perfection.

8. Traveling … OH MY WORD; I totally went to Cuba and didn’t tell you good looking people. Great beach, great people … food – – mmm … yea, let’s focus on the beach!! Although, I since heard that we should have left the resort to each the best lobster of our lives … to be honest, we only ate resort food, so I suppose I can’t comment on the food. I’m also going to Trinidad soon … refer to #5. Did I mention that was in a totally different country?

On top of that, I’m starting back my masters in September, I want to start looking for a place for the Mr. and I to live post marriage and I’d like to sleep every now and again, be happy and still look cute ( side note: WELCOME FALL FASHION – – I.LOVE.YOU.).

High expectations of myself – of course. Do I feel like I have the world on my shoulders … sometimes. But I also know that I’m incredibly lucky and while I came here and MilkShak-ed around … the truth is, I really shouldn’t be complaining. But I am. And I’m over it. Except not really. But I will be soon.

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So, what was the point of all of this rambling … to let you know I’m still here … I miss you … I miss my kitchen … I needed to get it all out on paper … and now I want a milkshake *yum*

Stay sweet darlings, I’ll be back soon.

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Life.

I don’t have a recipe for you right now.

This weeks sundays with joy will be up – – maybe tomorrow.

For now , I just need to talk about life.

*WARNING* I’m about to go on a crazy rant … a lot of it may not make sense, but I need to just write it out – – I’ll be back soon with a fancypant Sunday With Joy Recipe 

For those of you know know me outside of this blog, or even those who follow me on twitter; know pretty well that I’m normally a bright – cherry person. I try very hard (sometime too hard) to focus on the good in life – – I see no point in sitting in a pool of sadness, so I eat a cookie ( or a dozen) and move on when things aren’t as sweet.

If anyone around me is upset, I normally try to get them to refocus. Turn their attention away for whatever it is that is bothering them, and enjoy everything and anything that is working in their favour – – these people too are advised to each a cookie … or a dozen ( cookies have magic powers, in case you didn’t know)

But then there are times, when cookies just don’t cut it.

Like right now.

Eff my advice, I can’t refocus. I can’t eat . I can’t sleep.

I can’t deal.

LIFE FREAKING SUCKS RIGHT NOW.

… and so begins my rant.

Friday evening I got off of work – the sun was bright, my sunglasses were on – I was locked and loaded for a GREAT weekend.

I had looked forward to this weekend for such a long time … my parents always make a huge deal out of the Victoria Day Long weekend, because my birthday is so close to it.

This weekend, was pre-planned right after Easter.

Friday Night : Mama-LTSL would pick me up from the train station, we would go get out manis and pedis done. I would come home and bake for a upcomming bake sale and  then dive into Joy’s Weekly recipe.

Saturday: The family would get all dressed up and the 5 of us would head down to Niagara Falls to spend the day and then have dinner at a restaurant that I can only call Niagara’s hidden Gem . We would stay for the fireworks and then head home. Magic

Sunday: Was going to be my party for deux – Mr. LTSL and I would spend the day together in the city – – just doing whatever we wanted, when we wanted. I would come home and begin making my birthday cake.

My birthday cake: I’ve been looking forward to making this cake FOREVER – – I read about it when skimming through a blog and knew exactly the tweaks I wanted to make, so it would be personalized and perfect.

Monday: The family had plans to go on a foodie adventure – – can you say heaven?!? – YEPPPOO!! When I got home, I would decorate my cake. Put it this way, last week I spent 5.00 in sprinkles from the bulk store…

Then tuesday … ohhh tuesday. I took the day off because that’s the day I would have gotten my birthday present. This year, I’m turning a pretty significant age and I wanted to treat myself. So I did – – and Tuesday would have been the day it all came together.

But, it’s not going to and none of that happened.

Friday night, just before getting off the bus I got a phone call. A phone call that left me numb. I couldn’t cry – I couldn’t react. I got off the bus and ran into my mom’s car. She held me and I cried. I told her what had happened and we both went into reaction mode. Thankfully the call didn’t have to do with death, or illness, or injury. Thankfully everyone I know was safe and sound.

Yet still, my world came crashing down.

How is it possible for one person to tear my world apart? why are people so mean? I try to live an honest life … I think im hard-working … I think I’m friendly and polite. WHAT DOES THIS PERSON NEED FROM ME? WHAT DID I DO TO THEM?!! who gives them the right to take control of my weekend, a weekend that was supposed to be so special?!?! WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYY?!?! 

I can’t eat – can’t sleep. Forget about heading to the kitchen. I want to give up. I told my mom this morning, I’m sick of dealing with life. I know my emotions are getting the best of me, and thing will get better. They have to. Give me a week and I’ll be back to my usual self.

I know this post is so vague, and to be honest – I can’t talk about it just yet. Until I fix it. And I will. And then, I’ll come here, so we can celebrate together.

Until then, I just want to sit in a box. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to eat. I can’t sleep. I HAVEN’T HAD DESSERT IN 3 WHOLE DAYS. I can joke about it, but it takes a lot to get me to this point… and I suppose all I can do is live it out.

Ironically, my angel is on vacation – – she spoke to me before they left, I love those girls. Love them more than they would ever know. Even at the airport, she offered to come to my rescue. I’d die without that little lady.

I’m going to get through this, I know there isn’t another option … give me a week. 1 week and I know I’ll be back. Until then, I have my family. God Bless them. I have my family, to hold me together, and I have the mister. Together, we will make the sun shine again.

… sorry that this isn’t one of my sweeter posts, but I needed to do this. I’ll be back soon.