Wisdomist Wednesday : Pray

I’m getting super personal in today’s post … and I’m rambling more than usual. Sorry … not sorry.

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This has been a strange year for me so far. VERY strange. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I’ve told you all before about the professional changes in my life , and while this has been an adjustment I can now safely and thankfully say that though I’m still getting used to the mechanics of this job – I’m actually feeling a lot more comfortable, and I may go as far as saying this is my favourite job I’ve actually ever had. It’s challenging, it’s busy, it’s exciting and taken me out of my comfort zone completely, but I feel like I’m actually doing something. I feel like I actually play a part in a bigger plan; and for that I’m thankful.

I’ve also told you about the amazing support system I have … friends who genuinely care about me … an amazing mother, a great father … a brother that isn’t too shabby and a lovely husband. That doesn’t also include my coworkers who are always willing to help, or listen when I speak. I am thankful for each any every single one of them.

I can’t deny that I have lots to be thankful for.

But the strangeness I’ve been feeling, honestly I don’t think it has to do with anyone but myself.

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Physically – I’m  exhausted. My workouts ( which I’ve cut down on) are kicking my ass … literally leaving me heaving for air and sweating like a polar bear in the desert. I get sore extremely easily, my legs and knees have begun to hurt so badly … hence the reason that I’ve cut down on the amount of exercising I’m doing. Truth be told, I hate it. I feel like my body is failing me. As much as I complain … I LOVE how I feel after I work out. I haven’t gone to the doctor about this issue … I see no point, when I let me legs rest, their fine. Mind you, after working out … I’m pretty much ready to rip them off … sorry for being so graphic.

I’m also always so tired. I normally wake up around 6:00 and start my day. I wouldn’t say it’s a physical day by any means, I have a desk job in an office environment. When I get home around 5:30 , I work out…. Make dinner… tidy up a little ( normally just dishes & packing them away) and by 8:30 or 9:00 we’re having dinner …. If I allowed myself, I could pretty much be sleeping by 9:30. 9:30?!!!! Remember the days when I dreamed about staying up past my bed time … At first, I thought maybe it was the dreary winter weather that had me so tired … but now that it’s getting nicer… I really have no idea.

Mentally, I have a million things running around in my mind. A lot of it is disappointment in myself … maybe even a bit of self-pity… I know this isn’t a good look for me. I get it. And as much as I try talking about any of it … the less I say. I actually have found myself in the last little while, having less to say over all. Fine, a little quiet time is necessary now and again … but how healthy is silence? And, I’m a fairly social person. I like talking to people, I like going out and doing things … it’s just been this sort of shift. A shift that I can’t explain.

Emotionally, I’ve seen the biggest change. I no longer laugh from my tummy … just a little giggle here and there. WHY?!? I love laughing, I love being happy. I now make a conscious effort to smile. I feel broken and so unlike my actual self. I can’t trace back to when this all began, I don’t know what triggered it. All I know is how I feel right now. And it’s a mixture of sadness and anxiety. But WHY?? Like I said, I’ve been a lot more quiet, a lot more to myself, I occasionally will start to cry out of nowhere. I can’t explain it and I think that’s what’s bothering me most.

I’ve tried all of my old tricks, or trying to refocus, I’ve started back writing, I go for walks, I try listening to music, I dedicate parts of my day to myself ….as me time, you’ve seen I’ve been baking more. Nothing is working, I just can’t shake this feeling.

So what have I done to try to deal with all of this? Prayed.

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For those of you who know me personally, you know I am not an extremely religious person, I believe everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and I certainly don’t go about suggesting my ideas on anyone else. To me, religion is extremely personal. It’s a personal relationship with ones beliefs. I just feel like a lot of this is over my head, I feel like I for once can’t control it ( shocker … this is actually devastating for a control freak such as myself). I feel like I have no choice but to leave this to a higher power. And so I pray.

Through this post, I’m not looking for pity, or support, I’m actually not even looking for answers or understanding… I’m just sharing.

Wisdomist Wednesday : Mom

0dbe1cd69ddaf3bc54445458a86005a8 Today’s post I dedicate to my mom. Ma-ma … mom-ski … mama-dukes … buddy … buddy-pie … deeds. She truly is bomb-digity. And without getting sappy ( because it’s so easy for me to go there, and let’s face it, I’ll save it for her card) there are a couple (read: a zillion-billion) of things my mom taught me that I take with me every single day.

  •  No one will take care of you, the way you take care of yourself. WORD – so true. I get it, I have lots of lovely friends, darling family members and a smoking hot smart husband but let it be known, that even with all of that love and support … dude, I gotta do me, for me – no one could actually be able to see how much ( or how little) something means to me the way that I do.

For instance, why do I work out 3 days a week, then proceed to complain/waddle through life from being sore … because it matters to me. Why do I treat myself to something special ( not always something I buy, it could be something I do) every Friday … because I’m proud of the fact that I made it through an other week. Why can’t I sit still in my professional life for more than a year … obviously because in my mind, I haven’t taken over the world … yet.

  •  Laugh way too much. It’s better to get wrinkles from laughing than wrinkles from crying. She’s on to something there … no one looks cute crying – it takes so much out of someone to actually cry and release such intense emotion. Laugh it off … as much as you can – and for anything that can’t be laughed away – punch someone and then laugh ( I added that part, my mom would never be cool with violence .. also, please don’t actually punch people it’s mean … and it hurts)
  • Walk, talk and act with confidence . In my home, we had to go to university – especially being the first child, this wasn’t up for discussion or negotiation. I could have gone to university for scooping ice cream, I needed / had to walk away with a degree. After pursuing and earning my degree , I actually learnt that my parents didn’t really care about me being book smart or that peice of paper I got at the end – they wanted me to build confidence and trust in myself, it was more for growth and experience.
  •  Be humble. Funny story, when I was younger – I was a bit of a ( read: total) know it all. One day, my mom was telling me something and I responded “ oh mom, I know” … she wasn’t impressed. In fact, she turned around and responded “ really, what exactly is it that you know”. I was dumbfounded .. one thing I know for sure, is not to speak any sort of sass to mom-ski. Her moral was though, to be humble – you don’t in fact know everything – what you do have, make sure you’ve earned it, and be thankful that you’re so blessed.
  • Love yourself and others deeper than you can imagine. This one has from time to time gotten me in deeeeeep trouble. It’s been very easy for me to love other people. Love them without restriction, or without holding them accountable to reciprocate my kindness. It’s kicked me in my butt over and over. Would I do any of it differently – nope. Have I learned though, to be careful with my love – and only really give it to those who matter – yah-huh. Loving and accepting myself has taken me some time, but I’m getting there … sometimes your teenage/early 20’s can do a number on your self-esteem – but it’s about growth and duuuuuude we growin’
  • Eat carbs. This may sound silly, but my mom is a firm believer in the idea that a good piece of bread, or a doughnut, or a slice of cake can both be medicinal and celebratory. “ mom, I’ve got a head ache” – “ Go eat a cookie, your sugar is low” …. “Mom, I got a new job” – “ On your way home, pick up dessert …” gotta love her. 

98bdad21ffd26a9c887f088a3d3e79a7 The truth is, I’d be nothing without her. We still speak every day, I strive to be all that she is in a woman, wife and mother. Happy every day mother’s day my favourite girl in the world; your laugh – ridiculous jokes and hunger for life ( both literally and figuratively)  will never get old – I love you for ever.

Wisdomist Wednesday : RAAAWWWRRR

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Such a difficult lesson both to learn and accept, but once you do – there’s such a freedom.

Let them hear you RAWR at the top of your lungs.

Be Adventurous

Make Mistakes

Fall in Love

Live.

Wisdomist Wednesday : Spring Time

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Dudes and dudettes ….

I’m SO ready for spring!! Ironically, last Friday … the first day of spring – I crashed with the flu.

The flu.

In March.

WTF.SOMEONE.BRING.ME.WINE.

I was all – cough cough – warm blankets – crazy hair – snooze control. Seriously, I was all 7 dwarfs rolled into one!!

Thankfully, through amazing babysitting from Mr. LTSL ( it was babysitting … he was all – eat your veggies, don’t stay up to late … and I was all like –  and crazy amounts of Gatorade I’m much better. Annnnnddd now all I want is sun sun sunsssshhhhiiiinnne.

I already have huge spring plans, first – loose the million layers and dark colours I seem to always be wearing.

I want floral – I want flowy – I want bright.

Bring on the walks in the park – fresh markets and heeeeellllllloooo food festivals.

There’s already so much going on in Toronto – fashion week just finished, underground foodcentric partaaays, St. Lawrence Market ( not that I need it to be spring time, but it makes walking there so much nicer). I’m reeeeeaaaaaaddddddyyyyy for it all!!

I sound like a brat in today’s post … sorry for the squealing and ranting. I’m just over winter, it’s so 2014 – aren’t you craving patios, sunglasses, pretty tulips, lemon desserts and sangria’s ?!?

Wisdomist Wednesday : My 7 Year Old Self

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What would you do if you were to meet your 7 year old self?

Would you warn them of anything?

Would you tell them to take advantage and savor anything that much more?

It’s funny to think, at 7 years old

I was in grade 2, maybe 3 …. the Lion King was the coolest thing, that and watching Full House and Family Matters.

My biggest concern was being good enough, to earn a sticker in school each day and getting the immediate backseat on the school bus.

I couldn’t say I would want to be this age again – while sometimes I HATE the responsibility of being an adult — I do love the independence.

I wouldn’t necessarily warn myself of anything to come, but I would remind myself constantly that when things get tough, your parents have your back like no one else – I would tell myself to laugh as much as possible, at everything.  And be kind, even to those who aren’t kind to you.

Funny enough, I would give my 7 year old self the same advice that I would give my 17 year old self ( I would probably add, stop wearing so much makeup to my 17 year old self) and to my 27 year old self.

Tell me kids, what would you tell 7 year old you?

Wisdomist Wednesday : True & Kind

986962039e9ec2287f9edccbc5ca7ccbToday, is YOUR day.

Be True.

Be Kind.

Change the world.

——- * ——-

Shall we Wednesday? I hope you’re having a good week sunshine’s. We’re half way to the weekend!! You’re half a week wiser, half a week ahead of the game.  You got this in the bag, you’re going to win.

xox

 

Wisdomist Wednesday : Hugs

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I’m a firm believer that so much can be expressed through simple gestures – a smile, waving to someone, saying good morning, a quick text message — seriously, as silly as it may sound, I know for a fact that it can turn someone’s day around.

That’s exactly how I feel about hugs. I know I’ve ranted on-and-on about how I’m stressed out lately with work and life in general. I’ve tried writing and giving myself pep-talks – there’s just something about a hug.

Comfort.

It’s not a solution to all problems, but it’s such an amazing band-aid.

I’m lucky that I surround myself with people that I actually want to hug – people that I believe deserve my hugs ( I don’t do anything special, my hugs are just warm .. .they mean something) When I’m giving you a hug , whether in person or a *hug* over text message, what I’m actually saying is

I love you

be proud of yourself – I’m proud of you

you’re winning life – even if you can’t see it right now

I’m here for you, all of you – the sweet – sassy and insane

And when people hug me, it stands for me letting my guard down – it’s me welcoming you into my space to either celebrate or commiserate. It’s me wanting comfort, understanding, acceptance, it’s a chance for me to release my emotions … it’s both a silent scream of excitement and me bawling for a release.

My ladies, my  mom, my dad and my amazing husband – whether in person, or electronically … I never want to stop hugging you.