Wisdomist Wednesday : Breathe

While I’ve been baking up a storm and trying to post more often, my Wisdomist Wednesdays have kind of fallen by the waste side.

And there’s a reason for it.

And it’s probably not the best reason…

I think sometimes in life we get to a point where we just don’t want to deal. When I say we … I really just meant me.

I don’t want to deal.

I’m tired. ( this is actually true, physically and mentally)

It’s nothing specific but a lot in general.

I don’t have much to say… I don’t want advice or a shoulder to lean on.

I just want to live .. whatever that means.

Some days I wake up, and I can really focus on all of the good in my life – all that I should be thankful for ( and I am thankful – more than I could ever explain). Some days … its not that easy. Some days the fact that I’ve woken up and gotten out of bed is enough for me – that in and of itself has taken all of my energy and commitment.

Some days, I’m able to laugh from my tummy … other days, that smile you see on my face is as painted as the eyeliner I wear. Ironically, I’ve stopped wearing make up .. unless I’m going out. I’ve tried talking this through. I’ve tried all of the options that come to mind. Someone once told me, this is life – the defining moment when you can weigh the good days, with the not so good days … and the good days tip the scale in your favour.

Some days I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize who I see any more – both in a good and not so good way. I’m proud of the person I have become professionally, I’m proud of my family values, and the high regard that I hold my friends. But there are things that I see, that no one else sees .. things that I’m not proud of .. things that cause me to question everything I see about me.

Life it’s a funny thing … for now, can I just keep baking, working and trying to refocus?

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I woke up this morning

I’m healthy

I’m employed

There’s food at home, waiting for me to make a hot meal.

My family is safe.

Let’s just start there. For now, for this moment – that’s good enough for me.

Life.

I don’t have a recipe for you right now.

This weeks sundays with joy will be up – – maybe tomorrow.

For now , I just need to talk about life.

*WARNING* I’m about to go on a crazy rant … a lot of it may not make sense, but I need to just write it out – – I’ll be back soon with a fancypant Sunday With Joy Recipe 

For those of you know know me outside of this blog, or even those who follow me on twitter; know pretty well that I’m normally a bright – cherry person. I try very hard (sometime too hard) to focus on the good in life – – I see no point in sitting in a pool of sadness, so I eat a cookie ( or a dozen) and move on when things aren’t as sweet.

If anyone around me is upset, I normally try to get them to refocus. Turn their attention away for whatever it is that is bothering them, and enjoy everything and anything that is working in their favour – – these people too are advised to each a cookie … or a dozen ( cookies have magic powers, in case you didn’t know)

But then there are times, when cookies just don’t cut it.

Like right now.

Eff my advice, I can’t refocus. I can’t eat . I can’t sleep.

I can’t deal.

LIFE FREAKING SUCKS RIGHT NOW.

… and so begins my rant.

Friday evening I got off of work – the sun was bright, my sunglasses were on – I was locked and loaded for a GREAT weekend.

I had looked forward to this weekend for such a long time … my parents always make a huge deal out of the Victoria Day Long weekend, because my birthday is so close to it.

This weekend, was pre-planned right after Easter.

Friday Night : Mama-LTSL would pick me up from the train station, we would go get out manis and pedis done. I would come home and bake for a upcomming bake sale and  then dive into Joy’s Weekly recipe.

Saturday: The family would get all dressed up and the 5 of us would head down to Niagara Falls to spend the day and then have dinner at a restaurant that I can only call Niagara’s hidden Gem . We would stay for the fireworks and then head home. Magic

Sunday: Was going to be my party for deux – Mr. LTSL and I would spend the day together in the city – – just doing whatever we wanted, when we wanted. I would come home and begin making my birthday cake.

My birthday cake: I’ve been looking forward to making this cake FOREVER – – I read about it when skimming through a blog and knew exactly the tweaks I wanted to make, so it would be personalized and perfect.

Monday: The family had plans to go on a foodie adventure – – can you say heaven?!? – YEPPPOO!! When I got home, I would decorate my cake. Put it this way, last week I spent 5.00 in sprinkles from the bulk store…

Then tuesday … ohhh tuesday. I took the day off because that’s the day I would have gotten my birthday present. This year, I’m turning a pretty significant age and I wanted to treat myself. So I did – – and Tuesday would have been the day it all came together.

But, it’s not going to and none of that happened.

Friday night, just before getting off the bus I got a phone call. A phone call that left me numb. I couldn’t cry – I couldn’t react. I got off the bus and ran into my mom’s car. She held me and I cried. I told her what had happened and we both went into reaction mode. Thankfully the call didn’t have to do with death, or illness, or injury. Thankfully everyone I know was safe and sound.

Yet still, my world came crashing down.

How is it possible for one person to tear my world apart? why are people so mean? I try to live an honest life … I think im hard-working … I think I’m friendly and polite. WHAT DOES THIS PERSON NEED FROM ME? WHAT DID I DO TO THEM?!! who gives them the right to take control of my weekend, a weekend that was supposed to be so special?!?! WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYY?!?! 

I can’t eat – can’t sleep. Forget about heading to the kitchen. I want to give up. I told my mom this morning, I’m sick of dealing with life. I know my emotions are getting the best of me, and thing will get better. They have to. Give me a week and I’ll be back to my usual self.

I know this post is so vague, and to be honest – I can’t talk about it just yet. Until I fix it. And I will. And then, I’ll come here, so we can celebrate together.

Until then, I just want to sit in a box. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to eat. I can’t sleep. I HAVEN’T HAD DESSERT IN 3 WHOLE DAYS. I can joke about it, but it takes a lot to get me to this point… and I suppose all I can do is live it out.

Ironically, my angel is on vacation – – she spoke to me before they left, I love those girls. Love them more than they would ever know. Even at the airport, she offered to come to my rescue. I’d die without that little lady.

I’m going to get through this, I know there isn’t another option … give me a week. 1 week and I know I’ll be back. Until then, I have my family. God Bless them. I have my family, to hold me together, and I have the mister. Together, we will make the sun shine again.

… sorry that this isn’t one of my sweeter posts, but I needed to do this. I’ll be back soon.