I’m getting super personal in today’s post … and I’m rambling more than usual. Sorry … not sorry.
This has been a strange year for me so far. VERY strange. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.
I’ve told you all before about the professional changes in my life , and while this has been an adjustment I can now safely and thankfully say that though I’m still getting used to the mechanics of this job – I’m actually feeling a lot more comfortable, and I may go as far as saying this is my favourite job I’ve actually ever had. It’s challenging, it’s busy, it’s exciting and taken me out of my comfort zone completely, but I feel like I’m actually doing something. I feel like I actually play a part in a bigger plan; and for that I’m thankful.
I’ve also told you about the amazing support system I have … friends who genuinely care about me … an amazing mother, a great father … a brother that isn’t too shabby and a lovely husband. That doesn’t also include my coworkers who are always willing to help, or listen when I speak. I am thankful for each any every single one of them.
I can’t deny that I have lots to be thankful for.
But the strangeness I’ve been feeling, honestly I don’t think it has to do with anyone but myself.
Physically – I’m exhausted. My workouts ( which I’ve cut down on) are kicking my ass … literally leaving me heaving for air and sweating like a polar bear in the desert. I get sore extremely easily, my legs and knees have begun to hurt so badly … hence the reason that I’ve cut down on the amount of exercising I’m doing. Truth be told, I hate it. I feel like my body is failing me. As much as I complain … I LOVE how I feel after I work out. I haven’t gone to the doctor about this issue … I see no point, when I let me legs rest, their fine. Mind you, after working out … I’m pretty much ready to rip them off … sorry for being so graphic.
I’m also always so tired. I normally wake up around 6:00 and start my day. I wouldn’t say it’s a physical day by any means, I have a desk job in an office environment. When I get home around 5:30 , I work out…. Make dinner… tidy up a little ( normally just dishes & packing them away) and by 8:30 or 9:00 we’re having dinner …. If I allowed myself, I could pretty much be sleeping by 9:30. 9:30?!!!! Remember the days when I dreamed about staying up past my bed time … At first, I thought maybe it was the dreary winter weather that had me so tired … but now that it’s getting nicer… I really have no idea.
Mentally, I have a million things running around in my mind. A lot of it is disappointment in myself … maybe even a bit of self-pity… I know this isn’t a good look for me. I get it. And as much as I try talking about any of it … the less I say. I actually have found myself in the last little while, having less to say over all. Fine, a little quiet time is necessary now and again … but how healthy is silence? And, I’m a fairly social person. I like talking to people, I like going out and doing things … it’s just been this sort of shift. A shift that I can’t explain.
Emotionally, I’ve seen the biggest change. I no longer laugh from my tummy … just a little giggle here and there. WHY?!? I love laughing, I love being happy. I now make a conscious effort to smile. I feel broken and so unlike my actual self. I can’t trace back to when this all began, I don’t know what triggered it. All I know is how I feel right now. And it’s a mixture of sadness and anxiety. But WHY?? Like I said, I’ve been a lot more quiet, a lot more to myself, I occasionally will start to cry out of nowhere. I can’t explain it and I think that’s what’s bothering me most.
I’ve tried all of my old tricks, or trying to refocus, I’ve started back writing, I go for walks, I try listening to music, I dedicate parts of my day to myself ….as me time, you’ve seen I’ve been baking more. Nothing is working, I just can’t shake this feeling.
So what have I done to try to deal with all of this? Prayed.
For those of you who know me personally, you know I am not an extremely religious person, I believe everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and I certainly don’t go about suggesting my ideas on anyone else. To me, religion is extremely personal. It’s a personal relationship with ones beliefs. I just feel like a lot of this is over my head, I feel like I for once can’t control it ( shocker … this is actually devastating for a control freak such as myself). I feel like I have no choice but to leave this to a higher power. And so I pray.
Through this post, I’m not looking for pity, or support, I’m actually not even looking for answers or understanding… I’m just sharing.